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Recently I have been using my blog as a journal for my thoughts. A way of expressing myself, sharing what God has taught me! God has been showing me a lot recently about myself and Himself!! Here is some of what I have recently learned! Maybe it can help someone else, to let you know you are not alone in these thoughts.
What I am about to write, I believe most my family already knows so bare with me guys. I want to say, I know feelings can and often do lie and I want to prefice this by saying I NO LONGER feel this way!! ..... In the past I have always felt unimportant, useless, ugly, fat, and just plain a bother to everyone and everything in my life (especially my family), like I am the black sheep of my family! My Dad often, definately not meaning to I am sure, made me feel fat, ugly, and unlovable! It was his way to motivate me to lose weight by harping on me constantly about my weight and telling me things like "he would never marry a woman who looked like me or never hire a woman who looked like me" in front of a lot of my family members! Or when he felt I was eating to much, he would slap my hand in front of several family members! Instead, that just made me feel embarrassed, ugly and unlovable! That hindered my protraying myself as lovable to any man! Thus I only attracted jerks who used me, cheated on me, and hurt me! It has often bothered me that I am 42 and never married and I don't have any children, when I so deeply want to be a wife and a mother! Being single can be very lonely at times, especially when you are a seasoned single (a long time adult, solo single) like I am! I know logically Jesus is always there and sends me the Holy Spirit as a comforter whenever I need Him, as He has done MANY times in the past! But sometimes I just want and need a physical, tangible man to hold me and to let me cry, or to tell me that he loves me, or even to just let me feel loved emotionally!! A man who I know loves me for who I am and wants to share the rest of his life together with me and build a family with me, till the return of Christ!! I have to admit I often felt like my family does not see me as an equal to them because I am not married. Thus a lot of the times I have felt like what I say is not listened to or is unimportant to them and that my feelings just don't matter, especially by some of my nieces and nephews. I have felt like they didn't love me, that they just put up with me because I was family! When I have felt like this, the way I have handled it and often reacted came out of insecurities within me, thus I did not always react as I should have, with grace and meekness! I certainly was not a good role model to the next generation!! For that I am truly sorry!! I am still a continual work in progress and unfortunately God made me a strong willed woman! I know this because my sisters don't let me forget it! :-) I want to stress here that I love my Dad and family very much and I KNOW THEY ALL love me too!! But when we...I have a lot of insecurities, satan runs with that and makes things OFTEN seem SO MUCH WORSE than they actually are and he distorts our...my true perspective on the situation!! satan is a liar and only out to kill, steal, and destroy us...me!! Thus the insecurities make us...me react badly!! That is not an excuse, just an explaination! Well I am DONE reacting out of insecurities and half truths!! I used to let satan reck havoc on my mind and make me believe my family and a lot of my friends all thought they were better than me, that I was useless and unimportant because I wasn't married!!! WELL THAT ENDS HERE AND NOW!! I can finally see myself the way my heavenly Father does, as His beautiful creation!! I AM lovable, God does NOT make junk!! We...I am beautifully and wonderfully made in His image!! God is beautiful, so we...I am beautiful! I KNOW my family loves me and wants for me to be happy and to prosper!! So as the song by Franchesca Battestelli (I not sure if I spelled her name right?) says, I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams! I'm losing control of my destiny and giving it solely to Jesus!! Jesus wants us...me to know He loves us...me and He will be our...my Father, Friend, Husband, Lover of our...my soul, Provider, Confidant, and Comforter if only we...I will let Him be!! I would NOT have made it through these last 3 years if I didn't have my heavenly Father and my family, especially my sisters, to love and to help me through it!!
THANK YOU TO MY FAMILY, I LOVE YOU ALL, EVERYONE SO VERY MUCH!! I PRAY GOD BLESSES YOU ALL RICHLY (and I mean in every way!) IN THE COMING YEARS!! ALSO FOR MY FRIENDS WHO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME TOO!!!!!
Please forgive me for any run on sentences here. I was just typing as it came to me, not editing! Sorry!
Happy Father's day to all fathers and grandfathers out there! Remember to dance with your daughters and play ball with you sons as often as possible! God Bless!
Here is some of the teaching by Beth Moore, summerized from my notes! A few of you requested I post this, so here it is.
The 7 points of the perfect storm, going through them and emerging on the other side with your faith still intact.
1. "Sometimes we are in the spot where several storms collide!" You can have 1 or more of your own storms going on in your life & someone tries to pull you into their storms! Keep up the courage, none will be lost! Acts 27:13, 21-26 & Eph 6:10-20 (The Full Armor of God). Schemes have a method, their name is satan, We are in a battle between good and evil! Let God fight the Battle through us & for us!
2. The question of fault always arises in a storm! What did I do to deserve this, Why is am I being punished?
3. The titanic temptation is to give way to the storm & let is blow us back! John 3:8 We need to remember God is holding us through these storms He can use a non christian as well as a Christian to teach us or to bless us, to help us emerge through these storms!
4. To make it through these storms, we may need to cut some ropes! Sometimes carnal things, sometimes people that are hindering our growth and walk with the Lord! It may be permanent or just for a season. God will let you know!
5. Our lives can invite the favor of God to many! We can be a testimony to other by how we choose to go through these storms!
6. On the other side of the perfect storm, the destroyer is ALL bite and NO venum! satan can not do anything to us God does not allow! If you are going through a "Perfect Storm", there is a reason! Seek God for the answers!
7. The point to every perfect storm is to see the works of God in us UNHINDERED!!
What we need to remember as we go through these storms of life is that we have the power of the Holy Spirit to help us through them! God will never leave us nor forsake us, He gives us that promise in His word!! He is not letting us go through these storms alone! He is right there beside us, or even carrying us through the storms of our lives! We may have to go through these storms in life for a season, but how we choose to handle them may cause us to either go through them quickly or take longer. Are we going to trust God to use us & carry us through them, knowing He will somehow get us to the other side, having learned what we need to learn, having a closer trust in & walk with him, or are we going to let the storms overtake us & push us backwards & cause us to lose our blessings & hinder our walk with the Him? Thus probably causing us to have to go through a similar or even worse storm again! The choice is ours!!
I want to share how God very lovingly gave me a desire of my heart and provided for the entire thing!! This will be long, so bear with me, it is totally worth the read!! This past weekend my friend Shelly and I went to the Beth Moore conference in Pittsburgh, PA. I have wanted to go to a Beth Moore conference for quite some time now and this was the 1st time they were coming to Pittsburgh. Beth Moore is a totally anointed teaching speaker to women. Both my sisters went to her conference when she was in Louisville, Kentucky and said they were totally blessed by being there and that it was totally anointed!! Tickets cost around $60 and at this present time, being that I have been unemployed now for 13 months, I just couldn't afford that. I never thought I could go, so I tucked it away in the back of my mind and forgot about it! WELL GOD DID NOT FORGET ABOUT IT!!! God remembers the desires of our hearts, even if in the grand scheme of things they are relatively small desires, they are important desires to God!! He desires to bless us!! This is how I know not only was I meant to be there, but my friend Shelly was meant to be there also!! 1st I was blessed with 2 free tickets to the entire conference, a $120 value!! I have Beth Moore's blog linked to my blog. Her ministry was giving 10 free tickets to the conference to the 1st 10 women who called a number posted on her blog. This all happened REALLY FAST, I called the number on Thursday afternoon, the conference was the next 2 days, Friday and Saturday! I spoke to a very nice woman who informed me she thought they had already given all the tickets away, but took my phone number anyways. So I forgot about it and went to my ladies prayer group. I got home and there was a message on my machine to call this lady back right away. I called and she said they still had a few tickets and I could have 2, I had previously told her I wanted to take my sister Debbie, but had forgotten she was going away for the weekend. So I asked if I could take my friend Shelly. She asked me if Shelly was a blogger, I said no, but that she would really be blessed to go, she needed this!! The ministry wanted to give these tickets to only women who blogged, but she said let me ask and put me on hold. Well I was on hold for about 3 minutes and she came back. She said the team felt they should make an exception, so I would have 2 free tickets waiting for me at the door! I was SO excited! 2nd, Shelly's Mom lives 20 minutes from the conference center and said we could spend the night at her apartment and that she would watch Shelly's 2 children for her. That soooo saved on time and gas! We live over an hour away from the conference center! 3rd, parking was supposed to be $10 a day for people attending the conference. Shelly paid the $10 for Friday, and I was supposed to pay the $10 for Saturday. Well parking ended up being free Saturday. Shelly wanted to bless me again and would not let me give her half of the parking for Friday night! 4th, we had great seats, we were 3rd row back from the stage BOTH DAYS!! 5th, Beth spoke on the perfect Storm. How when you can have your own storm going on in your life, sometimes even 2 storms and someone pulls you into their storm, how they can all collide and create a perfect storm!! She was as she kept saying throughout the conference "Bird dog on point"! She spoke right into what was going on in both our lives and we were both so blessed and learned from the Lord as she ministered to us both beautifully!! 6th and Last but certainly not least, I thought it would cost around $20 in gas to go this weekend, so I put that much in my gas tank. I did not think I could afford even the gas to go to the conference, but I knew Shelly and I were meant to go and be there, so I gave it to God. I told Him I knew he would take care of it somehow! Since we stayed at Shelly's Mom's, it ended up costing around $10 in gas. While we were leaving the conference I opened up my purse to get my keys out and found $20 sitting on top of my wallet!! I have an idea who put it there, I believe this woman sitting behind me was listening to the prompting from the Lord and put it in my purse, but I am not for sure. I am taking it as straight from God!! I felt lead to buy a teaching CD as we were leaving and going down the stairs!! The $20 covered the gas and the CD I bought!! This entire weekend conference did not cost me a thing, God provided for it all!! We were so obviously meant to be there and it was so a God thing that God worked it all out and provided for every aspect and financial cost for the entire weekend!! It would not have all fell into place and worked out as well as it did if anyone else had gone with me!!! God is so faithful and awesome!! I love You so much Lord! Thank You Jesus for giving me this desire of my heart, and blessing me in the process!!!!!
Pictures of this weekend and explanations are in the next post below! May God Bless you all, Richly!!!!
This was the Peterson Events conference center at Pitt University in Pittsburgh. Sorry for any blurry pictures, my camera doesn't like taking anything but close ups! Forgive it! LOL
This is me on Friday night just before the conference started.
Me and My friend Shelly who went with me, just before the conference Friday evening.
This was just as the conference started Friday evening.
The sign for Living Proof Ministries.
This is the awesomely anointed Praise and Worship leader Travis Cottrell on screen. Also pictures of him and his team of which one of the men is a Jeremy Camp look-a-like! That's him in pic below! I thought he was Jeremy Camp at 1st till I saw him with Travis on his team! The praise and worship was awesome! It was so anointed and Shelly and I pretty much cried the whole time from the anointing of the Holy Spirit!! So Anointed! We were soooooooooo blessed!! 
There were 6,000 women there and I tried to get a small portion in a picture. But it came out too dark and not easily seen, but that is what this picture was, of a group in the crowd. There was a bridal party there. Saturday was the day of her wedding and she choose instead of going to a spa day, to take her bridal party to the Beth Moore conference to hear from the Lord on her big day! That wedding is going to be blessed for sure!! 
This was when Beth started teaching on Friday night. She said that this was the 1st time to PGH and that her and her team were so blessed by the city and the people here! Shelly and I were 3rd row back from the stage BOTH DAYS!! She is a really anointed, biblically accurate teaching speaker to women for Christ! She is also a self proclaimed woman in hyperspeed for God! She talks fast and furious and completely on fire for God! She is a blessing! 
Here she is praying for the conference and the nation.
She is also a self proclaimed ziplock baggie addict! She got a new I-phone 3 days before the conference and wanted to keep it in pristine condition, so she keeps it in and talk through it in a ziplock baggie! So funny!! LOL@Beth
Okay, now if you really squint your eyes, you can see a couple on the screen. This was the drummer Kevin, from the praise and worship team. Video is above on the right hand side, 2nd one. On Saturday morning he proposed!! Friday night was his 30th birthday and his girlfriend Ashley "thought" she was suprising him by coming to the conference for his birthday. Well Travis pulled Kevin, Beth (Birthday Tuesday), and another singer from his team (her birthday was that day, Saturday) up on stage to have the drummer Kevin's GF "surprise them" with flowers and have us sing happy birthday to them. As everyone was leaving the stage, Kevin grabbed Ashley's hand, got down on 1 knee and proposed to her on stage in front of everyone and the crowd was going crazy, including me! She said yes, of course. Well what actually happened was that everyone had it planned and knew about this happening except her, even her parents and his parents were in the audience to witness this! HOW ROMANTIC!! * BIG SIGH * HOW TEAR JERKINGLY, UTTERLY, AND COMPLETELY ROMANTIC!! Where are all the romantic men at? I think they are down south! ( Beth and team are from Texas!)
This is Beth on Saturday morning as the conference continued.
This is me and Travis Cottrell, the praise and worship leader, Saturday morning during the break in the conference. He says this is his "Mr. Rodger's Sweater! It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood! Would you be mine, could you be mine! Won't you be my neighbor!!" LOL....Beth says he is incredibly blessed to have a wonderful wife and family!!
This is as the conference came to a close, we were praising the Lord and Beth took off her high heeled platform wedges (really cute shoes) so she could jump and dance! 
Beth and Travis praying as the conferenced closed. Sorry, camera was dying towards the end. That is why it is so dark.
This is one of Travis' team.....OH MY GOSH DOES SHE HAVE AN AWESOME VOICE!!! She could and did hit a high C several times! 
This is when they all started to dance and jump, I was dancing and jumping too! I danced the whole time of praise and worship! That's just me, that is who I am!! I think shelly thought I was nuts, she was so calm and serene!! LOL
I have been really praying about where God wants to take my life and what kind of job can I do well. How can I apply my dreams into a job? I want to make sure I don't step out of the Lord's will for my life! I want my life to be a ministry for the Lord! I want to always honor Him in all I say and do!
My dream job would be a wedding/events planner. With a side job of selling my jewelry I make, online. There are a few things I know I am good at. I am good at getting donations. I have been quite successful at this when I go around the valley and get donations for the church chinese auction fund raisers which I have done for several years. I know I am also good at decorating. I get lots of compliments on my apartment being nicely decorated and feeling cozy. I have helped people in the past to do their small weddings and they came out nice. I am aware of what it would entail to set up and start a business of being a wedding/events planner. I am a smart woman and I think if I had the resources and the vendors, I could do it quite well. I love to be able to help people make their day a spectacular event and day for all involved and attending these functions! I am also good at making jewelry, I have been complimented on the many earrings and necklaces I have made for myself. Anyone out there in the area need a wedding/events planner, let me know, maybe I can help and I am reasonably priced! LOL * Wink Wink * Around the holidays, I would love to go to people's houses and decorate their houses for them, and Christmas trees and all!
I am praying if this be God's will that He make a way and open doors to be able to do this and get the resourses and vendors needed to succeed! But I also pray that if this is just my desire, and not the will of God, He close the doors and it just doesn't happen in Jesus name I pray, Amen!! It is in your hands Lord Jesus!!
