Recently I have been using my blog as a journal for my thoughts. A way of expressing myself, sharing what God has taught me! God has been showing me a lot recently about myself and Himself!! Here is some of what I have recently learned! Maybe it can help someone else, to let you know you are not alone in these thoughts.
What I am about to write, I believe most my family already knows so bare with me guys. I want to say, I know feelings can and often do lie and I want to prefice this by saying I NO LONGER feel this way!! ..... In the past I have always felt unimportant, useless, ugly, fat, and just plain a bother to everyone and everything in my life (especially my family), like I am the black sheep of my family! My Dad often, definately not meaning to I am sure, made me feel fat, ugly, and unlovable! It was his way to motivate me to lose weight by harping on me constantly about my weight and telling me things like "he would never marry a woman who looked like me or never hire a woman who looked like me" in front of a lot of my family members! Or when he felt I was eating to much, he would slap my hand in front of several family members! Instead, that just made me feel embarrassed, ugly and unlovable! That hindered my protraying myself as lovable to any man! Thus I only attracted jerks who used me, cheated on me, and hurt me! It has often bothered me that I am 42 and never married and I don't have any children, when I so deeply want to be a wife and a mother! Being single can be very lonely at times, especially when you are a seasoned single (a long time adult, solo single) like I am! I know logically Jesus is always there and sends me the Holy Spirit as a comforter whenever I need Him, as He has done MANY times in the past! But sometimes I just want and need a physical, tangible man to hold me and to let me cry, or to tell me that he loves me, or even to just let me feel loved emotionally!! A man who I know loves me for who I am and wants to share the rest of his life together with me and build a family with me, till the return of Christ!! I have to admit I often felt like my family does not see me as an equal to them because I am not married. Thus a lot of the times I have felt like what I say is not listened to or is unimportant to them and that my feelings just don't matter, especially by some of my nieces and nephews. I have felt like they didn't love me, that they just put up with me because I was family! When I have felt like this, the way I have handled it and often reacted came out of insecurities within me, thus I did not always react as I should have, with grace and meekness! I certainly was not a good role model to the next generation!! For that I am truly sorry!! I am still a continual work in progress and unfortunately God made me a strong willed woman! I know this because my sisters don't let me forget it! :-) I want to stress here that I love my Dad and family very much and I KNOW THEY ALL love me too!! But when we...I have a lot of insecurities, satan runs with that and makes things OFTEN seem SO MUCH WORSE than they actually are and he distorts our...my true perspective on the situation!! satan is a liar and only out to kill, steal, and destroy us...me!! Thus the insecurities make us...me react badly!! That is not an excuse, just an explaination! Well I am DONE reacting out of insecurities and half truths!! I used to let satan reck havoc on my mind and make me believe my family and a lot of my friends all thought they were better than me, that I was useless and unimportant because I wasn't married!!! WELL THAT ENDS HERE AND NOW!! I can finally see myself the way my heavenly Father does, as His beautiful creation!! I AM lovable, God does NOT make junk!! We...I am beautifully and wonderfully made in His image!! God is beautiful, so we...I am beautiful! I KNOW my family loves me and wants for me to be happy and to prosper!! So as the song by Franchesca Battestelli (I not sure if I spelled her name right?) says, I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams! I'm losing control of my destiny and giving it solely to Jesus!! Jesus wants us...me to know He loves us...me and He will be our...my Father, Friend, Husband, Lover of our...my soul, Provider, Confidant, and Comforter if only we...I will let Him be!! I would NOT have made it through these last 3 years if I didn't have my heavenly Father and my family, especially my sisters, to love and to help me through it!!
THANK YOU TO MY FAMILY, I LOVE YOU ALL, EVERYONE SO VERY MUCH!! I PRAY GOD BLESSES YOU ALL RICHLY (and I mean in every way!) IN THE COMING YEARS!! ALSO FOR MY FRIENDS WHO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME TOO!!!!!
Please forgive me for any run on sentences here. I was just typing as it came to me, not editing! Sorry!
Closing This Blog
11 months ago